I bought 5 pairs of shoes this month…
and none of them made me happy.
why not? because its not really what i wanted…. i really debated making a post like this but i figured in the end i promised myself to commit to all this and for the past week or so I haven’t.
Maybe it was it is all the rain, maybe i am just worn out, but I am really discouraged. I feel like I am no where near the goal that i set myself for June. Meaning no new dresses, and feeling kinda crappy about the whole thing in general. Jake says it is because i haven’t set short term goals to meet and only set big goals, but i really thought that my June goal was a short term goal… I guess i don’t know what short term really is.
I feel like i have put so much effort into this whole thing and i haven’t gotten as much in return. Jake tells me how good i am doing and how much he notices a difference but i feel like he is the only one. I am really not seeing it for how much effort i have put in and how much i have sacrificed. In fact today i was even slipping and said i wanted my old life back…
My old life i slept in and went to work and then went out to clubs and stuff like that… got all dressed up and I kinda miss that a little, like I said before I miss getting all dolled up with full make-up and a fun outfit. The problem is I can’t really do both, I can’t party till like 4 and then wake up at 9 am to go to the gym the next morning and actually be productive.
And the struggle in my head is how do i find that happy medium. Going to the gym 6 days a week makes it impossible to go out to the parties I used to go to. But not going to the gym 6 days a week makes this progress even slower.
I took a week off from everything, no counting everything on myfitnesspal, took a bunch of days off from the gym and i felt really bad about it, but at the same time i felt like i needed some time off from the structure. I suppose I should have used that time to get the party out of me, but i guess i didn’t realize that that was one of the things that i was missing. It really is hard quitting all of that cold turkey. Its not like I went out all of the time, but i was still able to whenever i wanted. And its not like anyone is holding me back now… I am the one that is holding myself back from it, but I just figured if I was going to do this I was going to do it full on. I pretty much changed my life completely to do this, and now I sort of feel like i lost a little bit of me, and like i have gotten negative towards myself when i should be getting more positive.
I know I made a post a bit ago talking about why i was doing this now, and that before i never had that much of an issue with how i was, but for some reason recently i have been doing nothing but nit-picking myself and my progress and it has been making me feel really negative about everything especially how I look. I know this wasn’t sopposed to be super easy, I didn’t expect it to be, but i also didn’t expect my self esteem to go the opposite direction. Especially when I have nothing but positives coming from Jake and Lydia and my other friends. But in the end all of my struggle is in my own head and I am my worst enemy. I could either make or break this whole thing. And for some reason today I just wanted to quit and end it all.. Now I need to start over again and figure out a way to make myself excited about this whole thing the way i was in the beginning.
So today like perfect timing one of my clients who is a trainer came in for a hair cut, it was almost like he felt he needed to be there. We have been talking about everything since i started and he said he wants to help. So we are going to set up weekly training sessions to try to make things a little more exciting for me, and to maybe figure out what I can do more of and what I am doing wrong. Hopefully that helps because not only is it going to cost me my shoe shopping for the next few months but well… okay its only going to cost me my shoe shopping… I guess I can give up a few shoes, maybe… but that is hard too!