The other day a friend of mine asked me “why now?”
I didn’t totally have an answer. I guess most people probably think I am only doing it because of Jake, but that is totally not true.
I didn’t really thinking anything else of it until now when I was going through the comments posted on my blog, a fellow blogger http://sarahsscrumptioussamplings.com/ had a post that she called Happiness vs. Fatness. It kind of made me go back and think about my friends question.
“Losing weight does not guarantee happiness.”
“As long as my happiness is directly correlated to my weight, I will never be happy.”
So those quotes made me think about why i never really tried that hard to lose weight before. I always tried but never commited to it and never tried very hard. I think part of it was because I was generally happy with myself. To me, my weight didn’t define me, and it never determined how happy i was. Of course i know i would have felt better about myself if I had lost weight but I had friends that cared about me, my family didn’t judge me, and I always liked where my life was heading. Maybe if I didn’t have all those things I would have been down on myself and maybe pushed myself more, but then again I also could have made myself worse.
But that still doesn’t answer, why now…. Next month is actually coming up to the two year mark of when my ex and I broke up. An ex that i was with for over 6 years. we both struggled with our weight, only he dealt with it in a bad way, and also based his happiness on how many pounds he weighed. He put a lot of stress on me towards the end that a lot of his issues were almost my fault and made me not even want to try at all. That sounds horrible i suppose, and looking back, yeah it totally was. After we broke up I went through the typical break up emotions and then put all my time into working. I kept my schedule packed and never had time off, I was always running to a shoot or to my salon, and really left myself little to no “me” time. Which also meant no gym time.
Then in November I met Jake, he liked me as I was, didn’t judge me what-so-ever and never pressured me to do anything. We were talking and I had expressed intrest in starting to lose weight and go to the gym and he offered to help. I’m not going to lie, yes the fact that he goes to the gym every day and is more muscular made me a little self conscience about myself, but that wasn’t exactly what brought it on.
When Jake offered his support I figured what the heck, I have someone here for me that knows what he is doing, and is willing to help me, but isn’t forcing me or making me feel bad for being me.
I think that is the key to me… I’m stubborn. It needs to be my idea for me to be commited to it, and this time it felt like it was.
In the beginning Jake gave me a few work-out routines, he walked around my gym with me and showed me how to use the equipment and what each thing did and why i should do it, and every day he gave me encouraging words about how good i was doing. That totally helped. I never had that before, my dad is not a gym guy, my mom is naturally really thin, and my sister never had weight problems, so i was kind of by myself with the whole thing. I probably wasn’t, but that was how i felt.
Now I actually really like my new lifestyle. Before I started all this I used to stay awake until 4 or 5 am and not wake up until 11.30 or noon and ran to work at 1. I never ate breakfast, half the time i wouldn’t even eat lunch and then i would come home and be starving and eat one huge meal to make up for the fact that i had nothing the entire day. Now I get up around 8.30 am, eat breakfast and I am in the gym by 9.30 am. I stay at the gym until 10.45, come home get ready for work and eat lunch before i leave. It is kind of crazy the difference, not only in how i am looking so far, but also how i feel.
I am also noticing that since I am starting to feel better about myself I am not worrying so much about making sure i have a full face of make up on or all my hair extensions. Now you will see me with my real hair and really natural make up more often than the way i used to be. Partially because i don’t have as much time to get ready but i guess also because i am feeling like I don’t totally need it anymore. Maybe I was hiding behind it, I dunno.
Probably the sweetest thing that Jake has said to me since I started was this….
“You were beautiful when I first met you and you get more beautful everyday”
and that ment a lot to me and helped me keep going.